exam days

well, its been hectic for this week with exams. paper after paper. I've been spending time with jo and kl. So its been fun being crazy with them. I've finally moved on. I've deleted his number, removed him from my friends list on fb and im not hurting right now. Nah, im fine right now. Coming up is geog and poa tomorrow. Then there'll be no counting. Yippee !!!

 But there'll be formulaes after formulaes stuck in my head. Pfft. :(
haix. damn. have been snacking on unhealthy snacks for the past three days. i so wanna go to gym but alaways procastinating. damn. hmm. well, that's life. always delaying when you need to do something. will end up not doing at all. playing fb now. gonna study when i get home later. prepare for rayer outing with skaters clique and mel tomorrow. gotta practice poa ten year series. haix. gotta go. chiao :)

"Show me where it hurts and I know that I can be the medicine you need and I’ll be your cure. I can see she left you with your heart wide open but I can be your shelter when the rain starts pouring. So don’t be afraid, I know I’m strong enough, to carry yours through. I’ll be your hero in my shining armor, just let me protect you, that’s what I’m here for. My love is the healer, don’t let me leave you. I promise I’ll be your cure.”"

mad like f***

Now life like shit. Tomorrow's gonna be crazy. I'm going crazy staring at his profile again and again. What is it about him that i can't seem to let go? What made me go crazy even at the sound of his name mentioned? I don't know. it hurts that he's just within reach but i can't seem to be able to touch him and hold on to him.

It's been tough since the start of the year. I was hoping for twist of tales but unfortunately things don't go my way. I've been trying my best in everything. But when it comes to relationship wise, i just totally give up. I don't wat anyone close, don't want them to know me. Cause once they know me, they always hurt me. It sucks to be in my shoes. Living a frigiin' life of pretense and living up to everyone's expectations, not being able to be free enough to live my life the way i want it.

I want this to end. Real soon. But i feel like i don't deserve a chance to step out of this life. Like it's already a part of me i can't seem to throw away. I feel like changing, once again. Like i want to run away from all these pain.

disappointing

The day started with o level results and definitely didn't meet my expexctations. Its like disappointing cause cikgu says so and she expected a lot more. haix. but whatever,gonna retake. so, striving for the best !!

random pics. nothing better to do so camwhored. pfft. bored to death siarh. well, he's gone already. want him out out out of my life. no more boys larh. give up, give up. gotta focus on my studies and next, my carrer. i won't die without a guy. so, haix. gotta go chiong fnn.

Argh !! Stress !!

I didn't have enough sleep. I didn't have enough rest at all. The day was spent doing my coursework. Last night, i borrowed thati's laptop and managed to finish up everything except conclusion, till i fell asleep. God, that was so tiring. I slept at like around 5 plus and wake up at around 7. haix. Tired Now, im finishing my poa papaer. Go home later, study and maybe read the book,'Ransom My Heart' that i borrowed last week and still have not read past half of the book.

Pfft. He's totally given up now. Good, that's wad i wanted him to do. To walk away and leave me now rather than later. His FB is filled with food so i guess he's fine without me the way im am witout him too. So, i better go right now and chiong poa !!! Bye peeps !!!

thank you

Tahnk you for being there but i see no poingt in hoping. Just walk away and avoid him. Im good people. Some people talked tome. Things are getting crazy and i need to chillax. I gotta focus on my studies. Remember the 6 !!!

 Im feeling better than i felt this morning. So, don't worry peeps. Tonight, im so studying maths algebra and combined humans. Need to touch my chemistry textbook after two days, Jiayou !!!

don't stress so much !!!

i don't want to get dependent on him. I've been hurting myself too much. Expecting something from nothing at all. Bitch, you gotta wake up and focus on your studies! O levels and all the friggin exams are coming so, delete his number. Don't give a fuck about wad he said. You have to stop thinking about him. Remember your goals ain and strive the best for yourself.

If he doesn't wait for you till your o levels, its okay. Move on and get someone else. If you have aced your o's, you could live freely. Have a life without a boyfriend. You can totally live with it.

Him

He's sweet and funny in his own way. We just met each other and i think im developing feelings for him. He's caring and he ensures thaat i take my regular meals. He makes me smile everytime we texted and he always made my heart race. He's sincere with his feelings and gave his trust to me completely. He's understanding and gives in to me all the time.

He's like the kind of guy i've been looking for in my life. He knows what i want and know what i need. He agrees to what i wanna do, even my guilty temptations. He's perfect in his own way and i love him the way he is, crap and all.

Could it be?

Could it be the end? Can i achieve excellence by o levels? I don't know but i'm not going to sit around and wait. Babes and dudes, let's work hard to make our parents, teachers and ourselves proud. Now i gotta go for NPCC. chiao hotties !!

Our Bread Garden

i know this is probably a bit late to post about but whatevs. Eunice and i went to a great place. Its called 'Our Bread Garden'. It has a very nature-like theme and a home feel to it. Its a bakery cum cafe so you can actually sit and study while having your choice of breads. The bread ranges from Yammy Yam Paste, Japanese Green Tea and Red Bean Bun to Coffee Bun. The breads and buns are tasty and filling. The food are savoury and the service is good. There are also beverages like Machiatto and Mocha Latte so ckeck it out. Its at Upper Thomson Rd. A five minutes walk from Thomson Plaza.

fucking life!

I didn't get pocket money fo two consecutive days already. Fuck larh. Dad is like either not at home or he's not awake when i left for school. Fucked up right now larh. He just simply don't give a fuck tt i'm starving in school. What the heck. Pfft.

Friggin' emo coz my friggin coursework is like fuck !!!! Stupid coursework B larh!! Grr!!!! Argh !!!!! F-ed up right now so i'll better go !

I'm sorry

I'm sorry. I really am..but how could i prove it to you when i'm not even ready to forgive myself for what i've done. I feel so miserable facing her yet fighting the urge to not cry. I'm trying yet you aren't. I'm making amends yet you had to be stubborn I really am sorry for hurting you mum. Touch your heart and feel the heartbeat. Will you regret if i have to leave you suddenly? Will you think of me when i'm actually gone from your life or will you think its a relief? I'm sorry, i know it's my fault but things aren't the same anymore.

Maybe its best i stay away s your relationship with them gets better. I don't mind if you scold me again. Just don't treat me like i don't exist. Thanks for the previous love, care and concern. But that was history mum. Im different now.

malay oral

well,had lunch with amirul and eqa. Next. we went to deyi. Rched at around 1:30pm and was like paranoid coz we're in a totally different environment. Haix. Ape saje larh kiteorang.

Next, we went to the hall and was like the only the only people talking and laughing. Haix. Wad the heck. So random larhs. So i was third and finished. God, i totally screwed up. Damned. Pfft. I totally break down and cried. And it lead to wad im going thru at hme. Hmpf. Its been thirteen days since i talked to her and im still counting. haix.

So, im at kamilah's crib and trying to focus on fnn. Haix. Oral is over, for malay only. Hmpf. Gotta buck up for english though. Haiyer. I guess i better go now.

Boring life

I shopped at popular at bishan yesterdae. It was not crowded so i had the advantage of browsing through all the books. In the end, i bought two 'Little Black Dress' series.  bought only two larh. Spent like $20 plus on that and my white pen. It's been long since i penned my thods.

I borrowed Meg Cabot's and Nicholas Sparks' books. So. i spent the whole day studying chem then i read Nicholas Spark, The Last Song. It's a great book. Haix. Damn. It really touches deep inside. Haish.

So, i guess i gotta go now. Will update asap. Chiao peeps.

That's me

Life's been okay so far. I argued with mum and sis and have been having cold war for six friggin days. For the first time on friday, 2nd July, i screamed at mum and texted sis the meanest words i could think of in that angry state. I cried for like three friggin hours. Bro said i have to tell mum how stressed i am. I did but that's still how life is. Haiz.
I still remembered how bad i cried. My eyes were red and sunken. I kept thinking about how bad our relationships had gotten. So, we were supposed to have family outing but apparently, things weren't fine with my fam. We stayed at crib and just ordered KFC and Pizza. Haiz, nice meal with everyone. But apparently, everyone weren't in the mood of eating or talking so the meal was damn idiotic. I've been silent ever since Friday.

Mum was supposed to come on Saturday,Speech Day. She didn't come. Haiyer. Sucky life. I even held on to the hope that at least she will come. Hmph. I kept glancing at the entrance. I felt disappointed with myself and some of my family. Promises that are made are so easily broken.

I couldn't believe that i actually thod they'll come. Fat hope. Every year, i hope for at least someone to come. No one ever did. Well, i seem fine but i'm not. Inside, i keep holding on to hope and tried to accept things as it is but it still hurts. In the middle of my mid year exams,i had to have this problems cropping up again. Hmpf.

It's been six days and i'm still counting. I recalled how i felt on friday and these past five days. I felt kind of empty and lonely. I don't smile or talk at home anymore. The most is just one sentence with ten words? Haiiiiiiish.......

I didn't want to ruin the bonds we had formed through these years. Looking back, i felt the pain i've always felt and hid. I've tried so hard to be perfect in many ways. I never did waver to temptations when i knew it broke your heart. 

I know perfection is not possible for a human being but that was what you wanted and that was what i've worked for, just to make you smile and laugh. I hid my fears and tears, knowing that i live to make you happy. As time goes by, you crumble and start tossing me aside, blaming me for your unhappiness. 

You were there when i needed you and so was I. But to be accused and doubted by you, it really broke my heart. I'm so lucky to have you in my life but at the same time, I feel that I don't really deserve you. I've never really fit and i never will no matter how hard i try to.

Keep trying..

I'm doing my best to stay perfect. I shall not let anything get in my way to success. I'm strong and I have to stay strong. He's just another person that comes and go. I have to make sure that i don't crumble under pressure. I'm almost there. Almost reaching my goal so i better achieve it and not let any idiots to ruin my life.

Could my expectations be impossible to achieve? Am i expecting too much from myself when i know i can't possibly make it up there. Its so friggin' difficult to carry on this life when i have a feeling that i won't even end up where i want to be. Haiz. See how it goes.

After doing a few papers, i felt like giving up but realising how much the future meant to me, i continued.

im like dead but alive; contradicting myself

God, this life is like coming to an end siarh. stupid life man. FnN is like tedious and mid year is on its way. Im so scared that i'll fail my mid year exams. Man, im like freaking out. Can i cope? Argh !!!!

I'm trying to cope. Im putting myself together. I just hope i could survive till o's are over.

its okay

Keep telling myself that its okay even when i know its not. I know I have to  be strong but remembering you really breaks me apart. I need someone to keep me going on but i keep staying put and reminisce the past memoirs.

 It hurts to think about the past sometimes but it equally hurts to just walk away from all the hurt. I could walk away but the hurt still stays on longer. This really sucks but i've got to suck it up and live with it.

Bored like f****

FnN now. Damn larh. From 9am till like 5pm later. Wad the heck man. Im like so hungry coz we ran out of time while cooking just now and so there's no break. We were given like 15 minutes of break but wad to eat ? Wad the freak?

OMG !!!

Popgloss.com is soooooooo cool. It  has all the greatest accesories, tops and soo much more !!! Gonna go again !!!

holidays !!!!

Well, its officially the school holidays but it doesn't seem that way for me. I still need to come back for FnN lessons. God, today the lesson is till 5pm. I'm gonna be blind staring at the screen. So, Ms Lee wants our coursework by end of June or 28th June. It is excluding whether she approved that it is of a high band or not. Pfft. If im going to make it, i'll celebrate at the end of the day.

 So, I've read Nicholas Sparks' books and seriously, his books are great. Nights in Rodanthe, The Choice, Notebook and alot more. Most of the stories are about love and families so it tend to be a sensitive issue. Hahas. Kamilah has just made the com lab colder. God, She's wearing adidas jacket and its friggin' thick !!! Grr.

Lunch will bw at 1pm. Okay, so we did something wrong. We smuggled food and drinks inside the com lab. Shh. Hahah. God, I'm freezing siarh.
Aniwae, i gotta go before i get caught red handed.

New me !!

Totally camwhored after cutting my hair. It was a new kind of feeling. Hmm..currently having our mother intensive week. wtf.

Anyway, heve been staying up late everyday and life is like...toots. toots.

Haix. what the heck siarh. So, just hope that life gets beeter okays. Hmm, anyaway,im going off now!

new life

Well, it seems like im having a new life with this new image. I cut my hair. I destroyed everything that reminds me of you. Its like the start of a new life and a new me. I didn't ask for it but stupid stuffs just keep happening in my life.

Everyone's been asking why i cut my hairso here's why:
1)the weather's been humid so cutting my hair feels more airy.
2)No need to get up so early in the morning to dry my hair.
3)My father hate short hair; i love pissing him off

miss those times

Hmpf. Life is boring? Idk. Im like having mood swings anyways. My free days are numbered.

Haix. Sian man.

Til now, im kinda hoping that he'll actually text. Im waiting..

Let's wait some more..

Am i actually hoping for things to be fine again?

Will things change when you come back?

I'm in a dilemma..trying to make up my mind.

Is it worth the while?

I don't want to let you go;

but i don't want to be hurt again.

I guess my life is actually fine without you;

Just feel that a part of me is missing..

Will i actually be strong enough to meet you?

Or will i be a coward and avoid you?

I really miss lower sec life..

Haix. Wth. So friggin' stressed. So during weekends was like doing some random stuffs. Playing dress up as usual and was like camwhoring. Bored to death man. Haix.

So did alot of stupid stuffs during weekends becoz i qwas cooped up at home. No fair !!!! Haix. So currently doing FnN again larhs. Haix. Bored!!! Rushing through my coursework. Time plan, done on paper but typing in com. Equipment list done. Haix.

Really siao like hell. Okay, im being random now. Pfft. Well, i gotta scoot !!!

Exams!!!

Okay, damn !!
Im having my mother tongue exam tomorrow and im afraid i will flunk it. Like, this is the only time im actually afraid i'll fail my mly paper. Guess because this is actually my o levels year.

Okay, school was fine. We had maths then combined humans. Mrs Teo actually went through the test paper answers with us. Then, had recess and celebrated Dom and Ed's bdae. Had choc cake. Then, had mly and just wrote notes. Damn scared for tmr. Haix.

So currently rushing through with my FnN coursework and feeling so grouchy and stressed !!!
Currently,2 recipes approved. 1,still pending while the other one is still finding. Haix, cannot take it ald. Jiayou !!!!!!! Bye peeps!! Update later!!

Damn-ed life

Well, I feel like i've been treated like shit again.

Well, wad difference does it make anyway? Maybe i'm just too trusting.

Maybe i should not have accepted anyone into my life just like that.

Maybe i'm just not suited to have a happy life.

Maybe,maybe and maybe.

What's the point of fretting anyway?

Would he really come back?

Countless times i told myself i've moved on but when i got hurt again;

He's the one who comes to my mind.

Maybe because i didnt say all tt i had wanted to say.

So that's why im living my life with all the regrets.

Am i waiting for a miracle to happen?

Or am i just not willing to let him go?

Am i supposed to carry on with my life?

Am i supposed to just go on with someone else?

How am i supposed to face everyone;

when everything i see reminds me of him????

How? How?

Is this gonna end or its gonna keep haunting me?

Im tired of sleepless nights

yet i just cant stop thinking of

HIM..

Class outing !!!

Well, had class outing with 4e3/5na on sat. Met everyone at amk. I waited 1 hour for dear princess huimin and she was the last to arrive. All of us train-ed via circle line and rched harbourfront. There, we were buying food and drinks. The guys look like uncles comparing prices and the girls were like by the side, laughing at them. Then, we bought tix and headed dwn to sentosa !!!!

We settled down and the guys began to show off their muscles, if they have. So all of the guys were without their shirts on. So, camwhored with the girls. We were bored and we watched the guys play volleyball. So funny. After that all the rest went into the water while i was like emo-ing on the beach. Then i was like friggin bored and i played with the sand. I created heart shape, the letter 'A' and tortoise. Wendy was trying to outline the shell and i was like screaming at her not to do so. Hahahs. Haha. Celebrated jiahui's bdae. Had fun smashing cake and flour on his face.Then continued wif our own activities.

At around 7 plus, we bathed, changed then bus-ed to harbourfont and was like arguing about where to eat at. At last we split up. I went to kfc with huimin,rijwan,eric,josh,vincent,javier and jin long. The rest ate at pastamania and ramen ten. Then we met up after our dinner and train-ed hme.

Haha. So rch-ed hme at arnd 11 plus. Only bro at hme. Ate grapes then texted huimin and kengteng. Until around 3 or 4 plus, then i slept. So it was fun and had a great time.

Random days!!!

Well,today have been really random as the whole school are having their exams so we Sec 4Es have the whole canteen too uourselves just like during lunch! Hehe!!

So,im fine with Kamilah now. We had a looooong talk on the phone yesterday. So i Saw Amirul at amk central yesterday and he totally ignored me. Well, wadevers.

Currently having english and f-bing at com lab 4. God, the class is so chaotic !! Hahahahahah!!! So random larhs!!! The school is like kinda creepy without the noise so any noise made and the sec 4Es will be blamed. Hmpf. So POA and Maths was a breeze. I was multi-tasking. Filing, writing notes, reading mag as well as texting. And doing worksheets. Haha. Random nak mampos.

Well, i stayed up till like 3am to finish up my POA,Maths ws, do filing for all the subjects and also i had time to even colour my maths notes! Its so colourfullllllllllll !!!
Hahah. Random random random that's my middle name !!!

Haha!! Well, i gotta go now!! Updates soon okays!

Happy happy happy!!!!

Well well well!!!! I'm having a fine day today ! I'm sooooooooo happy i'm in such a good moooooood!!! Hahaha!!!! So random !!! So things are okay now, no problems soo far.

Strong; not physically nor mentally

Yesterday went back home early coz there was no training. Haix. So was like studying and little sis came home and was making a racket !!!! So i told her off. Got told off by my mum instead. She said if im not happy, i could get out nof the house. So i did. I left the house again. It was around two plus in the afternoon. I grabbed my stuffs and walked out of the house, not stopping at the next block like i usually did. I went on, walked to the library and spent my time til around 5 plus then i dragged myself around the neighbourhood. So i texted Zul and he was such a good friend.

He advised me to go home amd well, I sat under a random block and cried my eyes out. Haix. At least someone still cares. Haix. So i was feeling so friggin' emo the whole day yesterday. Hmph. So went home. Mum went out and stupid little sis sleeping. So texted him till like 9 plus and i read Nicholas Spark's book too. Texted till i fell asleep. I woke up,got my stuff for fnn ready then i texted Zul tt i wanted to sleep. So,i drufted off to sleep but kept waking up in the middle of the nite.

Damn,haix. Will this go on forever? Am i strong enough to carry on ???

its so complicated

Today's Monday and i'm having friggin' Moday blues. Can call it my 'Grouchy Day' cause i really have been grouchy all day long. Well, first period is Maths. Woohoo!! Test is postphoned til tomorrow. Phew, relieved cause there are some questions i'm not able to do for homework. We did some of the qns in txtbk and i understood! Hope i could do my test tmr.

After maths, had poa and was kinda blur cause Miss Ma was using some poa technical terms. God, takes time to understand. After that,had mly. Mdm Tay sat in our class and we payed attention and Cikgu was trying to explain some stuffs to us but hardly anything gets in my head. Damn. Though tt happened, I managed to finish 2 wksheets. Next was chem. God, so confusing. Practical. I did the second damn test and the friggin cork popped and left green stains on my friggin paper and table !!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!! So, i gave up halfway through and just finished my paper then handed up.

Recess was the time that actually changed my mood cause sumting happened. I was very happy, smiling. At last, for the day. Had english and physics. Then lunch and had fnn. Had test then cher talked about fnn stuff but hui min and me was like half-dead already. Then had the friggin geog. The tcher was like asking qns and we kept crapping and giving siily answers. Jing Ni brought amster to class and Li Hui kept trying to get the hamster out. I'm not afraid. Just..very squeamish?

So, finally i'm in com lab,trying to do my fnn, blogging, fb-ing, google-ing and uploading stuffs online. Multi tasking all the way till 5:30pm then gonna bus hme and do my hw.

Gonna get white shirt and court shoes ready for tmr's LAST rehearsal. Scary scary scary!!!!!!
Haix, stepping down already. Its a relief but im kinda sad too. Gonna miss the juniors as we spent time together, crapping and doing alot of other silly stuffs. Haix, gotta go now. I wanna look for blogskin. Gonna change it. Haha. Chiao ppl!

sian sian sian!!!

Well,having FnN lesson right now. So bored and tired man. Currently trying to do the damn coursework but the com is so lag. Argh!!!

Yesterday had Sports Fiesta and Pyros was crowned the champion. Hmm,congrats guys !
So friggin tired from al the running around and was like slacking at home. Was supposed to go for HRC but i did not go. I wanna do coursework but i feel kinda guilty for not being present for HRC. Sorry my peeps who's angry and cursing me right now for not coming. FnN comes first.

Life kinda suck right now cause it just is sucking right now!!! Haix. Im like so confused. What am i feeling right now? Which him is it? Can't i just forget the him who's so far away and beyond reach? I could only meet him next year, on the 4th of April. That date is etched on my mind on the day that he left and promised to come back. Haix.

The other him is so near yet he's just soooo far. It's complicated. I've been thimking about them and it just gets worse everyday trying to move on. People come but the pain and hurt stay longer than the person does.

Well, i gotta be thinking about my studies too,right? Studies are fine. Im coping fine,especially with maths. Strangely,but true. Im loving the subjects that i hated sooo much before. Geography is finally making sense to me after 3 years of forced studying.

To him: Im sorry if i've given you false hopes but i just want to continue being friends with you. Find someone else,im not good enough for you. Im not that person you know me for. I don't want to hurt you at the end of the day. Please,forget me for the Ain you knew. Im different now.

Haix,i gotta go now. Peace out babes and dudes.

my best is never enough for you

Well,i have done everything up to my ability. That is how far i could accomplish those tasks. Well, you are just not satisfied. Why not? Is it because you're a perfectionist and i'm not living up to your expectations or its just me who just can't do better than my best? Am i disappointing you?

I'm really trying my best to give more than my 100% but it has never been good enough for you. You should see that im slogging my damn guts out so please compromise. I'm doing it for you and i'm struggling just to make you happy and satisfied but it has never make you happy.

Well,i've tried but since its not good enough for you, do it yourself. I'm tired of giving other things up just to give in to your demands. Get a life !